I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize