Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
