It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
