Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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