phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
