I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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