I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
