The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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