Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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