Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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