onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
These tits shall not be calmed
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
