tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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