Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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