i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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