just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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