You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
