youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Randomize