I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
