You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
if i can run in heels then i can drive
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Randomize
