she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
