sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
