The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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