I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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