Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
