My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize