Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
