I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize