Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
