i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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