im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
