9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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