I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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