just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
His hands were made for my vagina.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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