Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
