there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
