someone get that fucking seahorse.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
