And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
