I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
