HIV tests are more positive than that guy
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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