yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
