She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
they call him Oral-B. enough said
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
