I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
