Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
