Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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