There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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