I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
