i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
