You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize