So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
