so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
