I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize