he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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