My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
