Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
