life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Randomize
