apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
