I can't watch pbs sober anymore
What did we do last night that was yellow?
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
