my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
