our cab driver is having phone sex.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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