This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
