Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
