Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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