sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize