First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
