I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
