o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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