after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I did not marry a roomba.
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