rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
