I'm so fucking centered right now
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
