my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
